If there’s one constant in Wolverine’s life, it’s that terrible things follow him wherever he goes. Whether that be things that have happened to him or stuff that he’s done to other people, Wolverine always seem to get into some awful, bloody business.
Yet, he remains one of the most popular superheroes in comics—with many people wishing they could be him. But I don’t think that’d be a good idea. So, for fun, I figured I’d go through the top 14 reasons why it would suck to be Wolverine.
14. He Was Once Given An Awful Australian Accent
Before the original 90s X-Men cartoon, there was an animated movie. I’ve never actually watched this whole movie, but it’s common knowledge the movie had one legendarily bad flaw in that Wolverine had a ridiculous Australian accent.
With this accent coming seemingly out of nowhere, it’s like the creators of the movie completely forgot that Wolverine is Canadian. Of course, this stupid decision of giving him the accent was probably due to the non-comic-reading creators thinking that wolverines come from some area near or in Australia, so he must be Australian. Dumb.
13. The Punisher Ran Him Over With A Steamroller
Garth Ennis had The Punisher run over Wolverine with a steamroller during the Punisher Knight series. A part of this ridiculousness was so Ennis could show how mediocre Marvel superheroes were at the time. Not sure if this made his point, but it was pretty gruesome for a comic.
12. The Hulk Tore Him In Half
This painful event occurred n the Ultimate Universe mini series, Wolverine versus the Hulk. During the third issue of the series, The Hulk rips Wolverine in half while they’re fighting in the Himalayan Mountains.
The Hulk ends up tossing Wolverine’s legs miles away—leaving Wolverine forced to crawl through the snowy mountains. Now, not only does that suck, but after the issue came out, there was a three-year delay before the next one. So poor Wolverine spent three years looking for his lower half.
11. He Has A History Of Constantly Creeping On Jean Grey
It doesn’t matter what alternate universe or timeline Wolverine is in, he’s always had quite the obsession with Jean Grey. It doesn’t matter if she’s already involved in a committed relationship, or an under-aged teen while he was a full-grown adult, it’s weird. And their “relationship” is especially creepy when you consider the fact he’s probably at least pushing close to a hundred years old.
10. He’s Constantly Getting Brainwashed
It doesn’t matter if it’s from Weapon X or a number of any evil villains, Wolverine has always had a foggy past; not quite knowing what he should believe or not. The real kicker is that whenever he finally found out the truth about his origin, he wish he hadn’t because of all the questionable things he’d done in the past.
9. He Was Put In The Weapon X Program
Not only is this where a lot of his memory loss began, it’s also when he endured the painful forced implementing of adamantium into his body. The pain and agony that he must have been going through during these countless procedures must have been horrendous.
And if the physical torture wasn’t enough, there’s the mental abuse he suffered as well. Plus all of the false memories and mind games they played on him. This was not a fun time to be Wolverine to say the least.
8. THAT Fight With Magneto
During one of the many X-Men crossovers of the 90s, they went up against the master of magnetism. In the midst of this fight, Magneto pulled the adamantium from Wolverine’s bones and out of his body. And of course this was done in an extremely violent fashion—causing untold pain.
7. He Was Killed By Adamantium
When The Death of Wolverine story was going on, he had already lost his healing factor. But this didn’t stop Wolverine from doing any of his heroically crazy things. In his last mission he saved a group of soldiers who were being subjected to testing in order to recreate the same experiment that gave Wolverine his adamantium.
To stop this, Wolverine had to break the container that all of the liquid adamantium was held in. The vicious metal dumped all over—caking him in a thick layer of indestructible steel—which hardened and killed him.
6. He Murdered His Dad
When Wolverine was a young lad—back when his name was James—he was a sickly boy. One night his dad returned from another drunken stupor. He started beating on James which caused the boy to go into a berserker rage. That was the first time Wolverine popped his claws. Unfortunately, it was in his father’s chest.
5. He Killed His Kids
There was an evil cult which was formed from people who had loved ones murdered by Wolverine throughout the years. They made Wolverine go through the gauntlet of low-level bad guys, only for him to find out at the end they were all his kids from different mothers. And let’s not forget about the time he drowned his most famous son in a puddle of dirty water. Just awful.
4. He Killed Jean Grey
You might sense a bit of a commonality going on with these last couple, but what really makes this one bad is that even though Jean was possessed by the Phoenix force and going to murder a whole bunch of people, she never really deserved to be put down the way she was. Wolverine popped his claws right through her! Oh, and the fact that he’s had to do this multiple times throughout his history. That’s also pretty horrible.
3. He Was Sent To Hell
The evil cult that tricked him into murdering his children also sent him to hell. How fun! While his soul was in hell, he literally had to fight his way back out. But they also took possession of his body and was using it to wreak all kinds of havoc on Earth. What a lovely group of people.
2. He Slept With Mary Jane While Inhabiting Peter Parker’s Body
We’re back in the Ultimate Universe for this one. Wolverine and Spider-Man switch bodies, (don’t really worry about why. Just chalk it up to comics) and during the time they were switched Mary Jane came over to see Peter. She didn’t know anything was wrong and the two start making out pretty heavily.
Now, it’s never flat-out said that they had sex, but it’s pretty heavily implied. And even through Wolverine was inside a body of another teenager, he still had the mind of a grown adult. Gross.
1, The Old Man Logan Story
In this alternate timeline when the supervillains decides to band together to take over the country, they trick Wolverine into killing everybody (and I mean everybody at the X mansion). So, if this wasn’t bad enough, years later after the bad guys took over everything, Wolverine is able to scrape together a little bit of a life for himself.
He makes a new family and guess what? They all get murdered by the Hulk gang! This causes him to finally fight back, which brings him a great deal of pain. And after all of that, he gets pulled from the alternate timeline to the current timeline. Even though it’s not the same X-Men from his universe, it still has to be extremely difficult being around them—being a constant reminder of what he did in the alternate timeline.
If you enjoyed this, check out these other fun comic articles.