The sea, gray and heavy with the shadows of an upcoming winter storm, speaks with the intensity of increasing wind and the crashing of icy waves against the shore. Snow has partially solidified on top of the hard sand and barely gives way underneath my footsteps. It’s not wise to travel along this lonely stretch of beach with such a storm looming in the distance.

Under these circumstances I should feel the rush of panic coursing through my veins, but my nerves remain calm. Even without the safety of shelter in sight I cannot fear the anger of nature. For the anger flowing inside of myself is equal to the elements in its destructive qualities.

So many wasted years—my energy and time spent on sorrow and regret. I’ve wasted my life worrying about a world I had no control of. Why? Instead of flowing with the world and concerning myself with the things I could help, I put all of my focus into trying to change what couldn’t be changed; such as the decisions of others and the circumstances not caused by my hand. I was a fool. I am a fool.

Now, here I am wandering down this desolate shore—staring fate directly in its unblinking eye. How I got here I do not know. What my purpose is, I cannot say. Perhaps I’m meant to relive my memories—my biggest regrets—and let go. Let go like the sea lets go of control to the storm. Maybe I’m meant to be part of the storm. Or, perhaps, my mind is the storm and it’s my heart that must let go of control. Could this be the lesson I’m to learn? Is there a lesson in all this?

The waves grow larger and the wind carries an icy sharpness to it; my face stings with a numb tingle. My legs have grown weary—as weary as my mind. I sit down upon the frozen sand and let the sound of the sea carry me away. If only I could somehow let it carry the regret in my heart away, too. No matter how much I desire it, I can’t let go of these feelings. All of the hurt I’ve caused people—the tears shed because of my actions—it all eats away at me. Eats away at my soul the same as the crashing waves eat away at the shore—carrying chunks of sand out to sea where they’ll disperse and eventually reform anew on the shore. Maybe this is the rule of nature.

It’s possible my feelings can never leave me no matter how much I wish. The best I can do is clear my mind and heart while those feelings get carried away and do my best to live with the world until those lost feelings reform and come back to me. Yes, that seems to be the fate of all things in the natural world. I must flow with nature, not against it. I must let the regret, fear, and sorrow in my heart travel on its own journey. If it comes back, so be it. I only have to wait for another storm to wash it all away again. That, I can do.

Oh, look. The snow has come at last.

snow falling.jpg

Be sure to check out the rest of our 12 Nights of Dreams series.

12 Nights of Dream


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