A Fishy Situation
His body flopped onto the dock like a dead fish. And with the way the moon was shining on his bluish, lifeless face, one could be forgiven for mistakin’ him for one. Ol’ Charlie Tuna. That’s what we all called him on a count of how his eyes bulged out and he had these grayish rubbery lips. When I looked at his blue puffed up face on the dock that night, I couldn’t help but chuckle a lil’ at the sight. Here he always hated the fish jokes made at his expense, yet in the end he wound up swimming with the fishes! Perfect way for him to go, if I say do so myself.
Charlie had gotten himself busted skimming money from one of our businesses. One of our legit businesses. That didn’t sit well with the boss. If Ol’ Charlie had stolen from, let’s say, one of the bosses’ side ventures, he’d probably of just received a sound beating as a warning. But to steal from one of the bosses legal enterprises—one that he was exceptionally passionate about—well, that’s a death sentence. Only a stupid motherfucker would do that.
Of course, Ol’ Charlie Fish Brains was a stupid motherfucker and everyone knew it. He got what was comin’ to him. It wasn’t nothin’ personal on my end, but the boss told me to take care of him; better him than me, I figured. So, I decided to handle things like a gentleman. Since Charlie figured me for a good buddy, it wasn’t hard to convince him to go out and catch a bite to eat. Ha! Catch a bite to eat! I can’t help it with the fish jokes today. Anyway, Charlie and me met up at a lil’ Greek place not far from the docks. I’m not a big fan of Mediterranean food, but it was close to where I needed him to be and he didn’t seem to mind eating there. Long story short, I slipped him some special powder in his Merlot, and 20 minutes later was driving him home because he didn’t feel good. As you can guess, we took a lil’ detour to the docks first.
“Of course, Ol’ Charlie Fish Brains was a stupid motherfucker…”
I figured some fresh sea air would do him good. You know, because he wasn’t breathing too well and all. I think he realized what was going on pretty quickly, but he obviously couldn’t say anything in his condition. That didn’t stop him from taking a swing at me, though. As I’m sure you can figure out, he missed and that’s how he ended up floppin’ around on the dock. For such a skinny lil’ guy he sure was feisty; fought to the very end.
I wanted to end it quietly with the poison, but he had other ideas apparently. So, a brick to the head it was. Well, a few bricks to the head. Dumb motherfucker just didn’t want to go down. I eventually knocked him stupid—well, stupider—and dumped his sorry carcass off the pier. He might’ve been skinny, but it was damn hard dragging his limp ass down to the end of that pier. Anyway, he’s gone now. I felt kinda bad for Ol’ Charlie; He was a harmless lil’ fella. But I couldn’t have anyone figuring out who really stole that money. After all, only a dumb motherfucker would steal from the boss like that. And Ol’ Charlie, well, he just fit the bill. A perfect fall guy if I must say so myself. Think I’ll treat myself to a nice seafood dinner tonight. I got a real hankerin’ for fish all of a sudden.
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