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The Wingman

I hate going to parties. Even when I was younger I never understood the appeal of them. Once there’s a crowd of more than ten people, it’s way too much for me. I’m not sure if it’s some kind of disorder or something, but I can’t stand being around so many people.

So, of course, guess what happened? I got forced to go to a huge house party as my buddy’s wingman. Don’t you just hate owing people favors? I’m not sure why he asked me; it’s not like I’m a good wingman or anything. All I’m going to do is find the quietest corner and hide.

As we pulled up to the house, it was overflowing with people. The building was so full I didn’t think there was any way to fit another human being inside. I could tell this was not going to be a good time.

Somehow we were able to make it all the way inside after pushing through hoards of sweaty, drunk 20-somethings. The music was deafening and I don’t know how the flashing lights didn’t give me a seizure. Once I was able to find where the beer was located I made a quick escape to the backyard.

The cool breeze felt good on my face and I was relieved to have a moment of peace. I was relishing the calmness outside when I saw her sitting at the end of the deck. I don’t have the words to describe how beautiful she was. The only thing I can tell you is when I saw her, my first reaction was, whoa. Of course, I couldn’t go over and say anything to her; it’s just not me—I’m unable to do that kind of thing. But then the craziest thing happened. She came up to me and started talking!

After a lot of drinks and a few hours of talking to her—I couldn’t really tell you what about as it’s all kind of a blur now—we decided to find a more private place to spend some alone time. Luckily, the party had died down some and there was an empty bedroom upstairs. After we settled in the room and locked the door, the fun started. I’m no stud by any means, but I must say, things got pretty hot and heavy. I think so anyway; it’s kind of hard to remember.

At some point I must have blacked out—it might have been from the booze but I’m not sure—because not long after we started fooling around my memory is completely blank. The last thing I remember was her laughing with a strange grin on her face, then there was a flash of light glinting off something metallic. 

When I woke up it didn’t take long for me to figure out what really happened. The sad truth is, I ended up being one of those poor saps who falls for the super hot chick and ends up losing a kidney. Yup. Just like in cheap horror movies! Only, I didn’t wake up in a tub of ice or anything like that. She just left me in a pool of blood in the bed. Why she didn’t take both kidneys I have no clue. What I do know is that I almost died on the way to the hospital. I was fortunate someone had walked in on me not long after I woke up, because I was in shock and couldn’t scream or call 911 on my phone. Not like I knew where I was at that point anyway.

If it wasn’t for the fact I already hated parties, this little tryst definitely didn’t change my opinion of them. I just hope I was able to get a little bit of action before eventually passing out. But I guess, much like the rest of that night, it will remain a mystery. Oh, and as for my buddy who made me go as his wingman, he was last seen leaving the party with a really hot chick carrying a cooler. I never heard from him again after that. No one did.

kidney

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