For My Part In It
By Ashleigh Hatter
And when all falls quiet – the night as it is – I still can’t breathe
That’s when you were.
That’s when we were.
That’s when I could talk to you – wall of flesh –
mathematics and somehow
you were the remainder, the left behind, the
I screamed at a wall for you
Cause I wanted to, and I needed you to know that it was all for you
All for you.
I wasn’t there for you.
I was a chariot,
A car of fire,
A truck of pain driven onto Hell and hellish places with hellish faces
and TV screens with lit up spaces
movies with sounds
I was waiting there, hurting and wanting to say, wanting to do
To save you from the me hurting you, but
the door, so heavy, kept that from “To Be” and now I only pray
and hope you forgive me.
I loathe and I am what I loathe and I loathe what I see in sea of faces all around me.
Above and below,
And there’s no moving on,
Only living on, and remembering on, and forging on in the memory of
Dot Dot Dot
But it all means something, though it’s only I
Heaven and me and another
in her looking, in her face, in her mind
and it’s only us who know your love
know your heart and the place
where you depart
when your heart wasn’t enough
wasn’t strong enough
wasn’t big enough to keep, to go on
and I wasn’t man enough to fight for you
to live for you
to die for you
though I would now.
I so would now.
in a darker place,
in a room with no heat, with a window facin space
so all my disgrace may fall around
and gather all about my feet
Oh my guilt – such intense guilt!
in this still still night!
And sound has ceased
And my heart is seared, it’s crying muted – a whipped beast
and eternity is stagnant without enticement or tease
…It’s then that
when all falls quiet – the night as it is – I still can’t breathe