For My Part In It

By Ashleigh Hatter


And when all falls quiet – the night as it is – I still can’t breathe

But before.
Waaaay before.
Before…

That’s when you were.
That’s when we were.
That’s when I could talk to you – wall of flesh –
division
mathematics and somehow
you were the remainder, the left behind, the
unneeded.

I screamed at a wall for you
FOR you.
Cause I wanted to, and I needed you to know that it was all for you
All for you.
And yet…
I wasn’t there for you.

I was a chariot,
A car of fire,
A truck of pain driven onto Hell and hellish places with hellish faces
and TV screens with lit up spaces
movies with sounds
Forgotten
Displaced
And yet…
I was waiting there, hurting and wanting to say, wanting to do
To save you from the me hurting you, but
the door, so heavy, kept that from “To Be” and now I only pray
and hope you forgive me.

I’m hateful.
I hate.
I loathe and I am what I loathe and I loathe what I see in sea of faces all around me.
Above and below,
And there’s no moving on,
Only living on, and remembering on, and forging on in the memory of
Dot Dot Dot
But it all means something, though it’s only I
Heaven and me and another
sublime
in her looking, in her face, in her mind
and it’s only us who know your love
know your heart and the place
the place
where you depart
when your heart wasn’t enough
wasn’t strong enough
wasn’t big enough to keep, to go on
and I wasn’t man enough to fight for you
to live for you
to die for you
though I would now.
I so would now.

Now.
in a darker place,
in a room with no heat, with a window facin space
so all my disgrace may fall around
and gather all about my feet
Oh my guilt – such intense guilt!
in this still still night!
And sound has ceased
And my heart is seared, it’s crying muted – a whipped beast
and eternity is stagnant without enticement or tease
…It’s then that

when all falls quiet – the night as it is – I still can’t breathe

1 Comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.