Just as a heads up: No. As far as the publishing of this article goes, I haven’t even finished a fucking Jane Austen novel. BUT I am reading one. And yes, it is the iconic, the all-encompassing, the masterpiece that allowed Colin Firth (sorry ladies, my lady prefers the BBC version to Knightley incarnation) to achieve one of his most heartthrob inducing roles outside of The King’s Speech.
I am currently reading (and have not finished) Pride and Prejudice by the belle herself, Jane Austen.
A quick question my wife asks me every twenty pages or so, but I’m assuming you’re wondering as well: “Are you enjoying it?”
And my answer if I want to increase my chances of sex that night: “Yes honey! And I’d like even more to watch the BBC version with you!”
But my answer, if I respect my wife and don’t want to pander to the masculine needs of procreation: “Yes honey! And I’d like even more to watch the BBC version with you!”
You see what I did there? It was a trick question.
But in all seriousness, I have to say that, while I’m not fawning over it, I am enjoying it. Now comes the part where I try to describe what that means before I jump into the waters of trying to explain why dudes should read Jane Austen. I’ll keep this short. When I say enjoying, what I mean is that I am both appreciating the style of writing the author is employing and finding amusement in the subject matter that they are focusing on. Is it possible to do one or the other in total isolation? Absolutely! But this is not the article to discuss the matter.
This small page exists to help the wonderfully well-read and cultured ladies out there convince their heathenistic, mongoloid male counterparts that reading Jane Austen is, not only a worthy endeavor sure to shore up the sex life, but also a means of refining their own tastes and appreciation for the finery of the English language arts.
4. Jane Austen Helps You Speak Gooder
In all seriousness, there is no getting around the fact that the characters in Jane Austen’s novels are some of the most irritatingly well-spoken individuals to have existed within the confines of fictional literature. It’s so posh, so proper, so felicitous that it makes you want to punch a wall, or hold your bowl out to the nearest brute mean-mugging you and ask “Prease sir. May I hiv som’more?”
Even Poe, with all of his well-educated heroes and villains, lacks in the realm of verbal propensity. Austen is the queen of the verbal playground; both in pacing and vocabulary, and a smart man would do well to learn the subtle and influential arts of proper oration to impress his lady.
3. The Posh Life Is Where It’s At
Please, for the sake of my rum addled brain, excuse the improperly placed prepositional phrase at the end of the bolded sentence. Let’s focus on the grit—the meat and bones as it were—of that sentiment. Is the “posh life,” as I put it, really where your lady wants to be? Of course it is! No matter the verbal cues, jabs at high society, or the sneering at celebutantes, it seems that most members of the fairer (and most attractive) sex would like to fit into the realm of the posh; of the well to-dos and fancy fews. And when you really think about it—as a guy—why shouldn’t you want your lady to be a part of that lifestyle?
It makes her feel elegant. It makes her feel fancy and like a goddess on earth (which, every woman is, if we’re honest). And if you’re a secure guy, you’re going to want that for her too. And the best way for a guy to feel secure (aside from working out regularly) is to speak and know about posh topics. Read some Austen and lay down some awesome insights into the upper class of British society. It’s sure to impress.
2. Dude, There’s Like Literally Soldiers And Badasses In Here
No, I’m not kidding. There are dudes in here that would put you to shame if you were to compare how bad you suck at defending your lady’s honor. Like, these guys are willing to murder and maim other guys for anyone saying the wrong thing to their woman—or even looking at her wrong!—and what is it you are going to do? Stalk the other guy on Facebook and post about how big of a loser he is? Wow. How manly.
So, while you act like a total cuck on the interwebs, attempting to defend your lady’s honor, the guys in Austen’s novel—gallivanting around with freaking badass military records and swords strapped to their muscular thighs—are threatening to cut a bastard’s face off for even sneezing in the direction of his lover. If that’s not enough to light a fire under yo ass to start some shit on behalf of your lady, then you don’t deserve that princess, boy. Go back to passive-aggressive tweeting while the Mr. Darcy’s of the world stab a dick in the face and ride off with your lady into a glorious golden sunset.
1. Drama Ain’t Just Fo Yo Mama
Yes, there is drama in the Austen novels. Yes, there is relationship tension that seems to never end. And yes, there seems to always be that whiny b-word of a potential mother-in-law that won’t quit being irritatingly crass in public settings (seriously, Mr. Bennet, what made you marry that harpy? I’m thinking she was a freaking total babe and he wasn’t too proud to pass that up). But dudes, you can’t tell me your own lives aren’t filled with equivalents to that sort of thing. Replace relationship tension with drama within NFL drafts, workplace shenanigans where your manager fucks you over for a promotion, or the latest Call of Duty bullshit involving in-game micro-transactions for shitty cosmetics and dumbass gear improvements that don’t do shit for your profile and make it impossible for you to effectively prestige! Guys. C’mon.
If you can handle all of the drama in those things, then the drama within an Austen novel is something you can totally handle. Crappy families, poor life choices, dark pasts coming back to haunt you—it’s like a Batman comic! But with British accents and more lace. You’ve got this!
In summation for the dudes out there who’ve made it this far: please, don’t discount Jane Austen or her works. The lady was a total literary beast who put the smackdown on so many other authors it’ll make blood pour out of every pore in your face hole. She’s a master writer who deserves to be read by a varied audience—both in experience and taste. Yes, she’s known as the godmother of the romance genre, and yes that seems to detract men from approaching her works. But why should it? We’re all creatures of passion, after all, and if the wooing of women and the art of seduction aren’t worthwhile ventures in a man’s life, then there might be something else going on that needs adjusting.
So dudes, read Jane Austen. Learn the works and be able to quote iconic lines. Then sit down to watch the movies with your lady, and watch her swoon as you whisper in her ear, “The books are better.”
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